


lady gaga

by rita5



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 04:50:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9305033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rita5/pseuds/rita5
Summary: au where philip says all the hilarious stuff the kids i nanny IRL say and alex is disturbed by it(this is written in the style of short blog entries or tweets by hamilton, basically just for you to imagine philip being a super cute kid)





	

**Author's Note:**

> i'm facing some writers block and me and the two kids i nanny (4 and 6) have been listening to "Take A Break" and "Blow Us All Away" all day & basically we're in love with philip and based on his rap in TaB he sounds like a hilarious kid and i have plenty of experience with hilarious kids. so here are a bunch of real quotes and situations from kids i work with IRL changed to be philip and alexander. i haven't changed anything except a few names and pronouns. also none of these are my kids but im writing from hamiltons perspective so.
> 
> for more hilarious kid stories follow me on tumblr! i just posted a video of the kid i nanny singing his version of "My Shot" that goes like "I am not throwing away my shot, I got shot in the bellybutton, PHILIP DIES"
> 
> anentireuncookedmeatloaf.tumblr.com

I think my son might be hitting on me. Today, I was feeding him a banana when he grabbed my hand, held it, then smiled and tilted his head at me. He's 11 months old. #romanceisalive

Today, I fed my kid smashed peas and then gave him a bath in the sink. As soon as I took his diaper off, he started peeing then turned and gave me an open mouth kiss on the cheek while his face was still covered in baby food and while he was still peeing. It was magical.

Today, I taught my 15 month old son to say “lady gaga” while we were in target and he screamed it over and over for an hour until we left.

My friend came to stay with us for a month and helped take care of Philip, during that time we joked about him being our “gay baby” (because we’re both guys) and my 2 year old eventually started saying “gay baby! gay baby!” which was fun at the /funeral/ we had to take him to.

now i understand why people with young kids have houses that look like war zones. theres a certain point where you just give up. for example I currently have a toddler running around my room knocking stuff over, clutching two fistfuls of q tips and screaming at the top of his lungs. earlier he kept stabbing me with said q tips and screaming “THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!” his face is covered in snot and his hair has q tips sticking out in random places. i have given up and the 2 year old is in charge of my life

babies are so weird im laying in bed with my 2 year old waiting for him to fall asleep and he just grabbed and pulled on his nipple and when i made him stop he growled at me then reached out and put his hand on my neck am I being threatened what is happening

“say KAMIKAZE” “uhhh going potty!”  
“say shark” “I do not like sharkies, I like rainbows and fishies and rainbow fishies and hello kitty”  
so speech therapy with the 3 year old is going well

my kid just said “i want to watch something that’s for boys AND girls!” and i started to say “well, everything’s for boys AND girls” but then he gasped and said “SPIDERMAN” #myson

philip just said “i LOVE darth vader” kid i got news for you

it’s 5:55pm and the three year old is throwing pillows at me screaming “OBEY YOUR PARENTS OBEY YOUR PARENTS” son /im your parents/

i havent been able to spend as much time with philip because ive been working late and he has to go to sleep early now that he's in preschool but i picked him up from school today and he saw me and smiled so huge then screamed “DORK” and ran away. this is definitely the kid I raised

yesterday philip (4) was in the bath and out of nowhere he said “what would happen if you put you fingers in you butt” and i was like buddy i am so not ready to be having that conversation with you now or anytime soon ever

philip brought me to the bathroom earlier, pointed to a brown spot on the toilet, and said “here’s where daddy sharted”

i shit you not its 11:32pm and my 4 year old son just turned around and said to me “i love sonic. but he’s dead you know. he died next to jesus on the cross.” im so worried  
follow up:  
its 11:36pm and he’s asleep

playing video games with philip:  
philip: holy crap!  
me: where did you hear that?  
philip: i'm smart

4 year old philip while eating soup: i just feel the love. god gave us this food. god makes the goodest food. and thank you god for getting us love and food heart and mint and thank you for this all food. love, philip and daddy.

philip today: if you open the car door you could DIE. (then he leaned his head back and yelled) IN THE SPIRIT

my four year old just sighed and say to me “my anxiety.”

good morning from me and a four year old who woke up and immediately told me “no refills, no future, no worries”

raising toddlers is no fucking joke man earlier i walked in the living room to find one squatting in the corner wearing pee soaked pants and eating a candy with the wrapper still on and when i took it away her face contorted and she looked like she was screaming but she didnt even breathe for like 5 minutes and then she started screaming bloody murder so i put her in bed and went back to watch a movie with the 4 year old and he kept putting his feet on my face and then he put his finger on my mouth and pushed down really hard and said “SSHHHHHHHHHHH” /I DIDNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING PHILIP/ then he spilled an entire bottle of soda on the couch and my body. also i just found a toothbrush COMPLETELY covered in diaper rash cream on the bathroom counter im not having any more kids

philip: do you like john?  
me: yes of course  
philip: i know why you like john.  
me: why?  
philip: cus he’s PRETTY.  
me: YOU DON’T KNOW MY BUSINESS  
philip: WE KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

my 5 year old built a creeper in minecraft then i heard him say “youre too cute. this is for your own good.” and he blew it up

im currently fighting to brush the teeth of a three year old girl sobbing because she peed in the bathtub and a five year old boy who wont stop screaming “WATCH ME WHIP WATCH ME NAE NAE”

my six year old son wrote in his feelings journal "I feel tierb" and honestly me too

6 year old: where’s mister pipe?  
me: i don’t know. it’s a mystery. the mystery of mister pipe. where did he go?  
6 year old: (whispering) /he was killed/

i just walked into denny’s with 3 toddlers at 10pm and asked the girl working the counter (she couldnt have been older than 18) what time they close and she fixed me with an utterly blank stare and mouthed “never”

MY 11 YEAR OLD SON JUST LAUGHED SO HARD HE STARTED SOBBING AND THEN HE COUGHED AND ALMOST THREW UP AND THEN STARTED LAUGHING AGAIN AND NOW HES CRYING SCREAMING /AND/ LAUGHING KIDS ARE SO IMPORTANT


End file.
